Televangelist Grifters (Part 2 of 3)

Televangelist Grifters (Part 2 of 3)

By Brian Lancaster (December 2023)

Website: www.laughingcoyote.net

 

 

In early 2022 I needed to move out fast, partially due to some complications with a love triangle and an empty castration threat, but mostly because I was sick of living in the desert surrounded by tweakers. All I needed was a room for a few months so I could finish Warlordocracy Early Access, then I could move back to the city as the economy reopened to once again secure a day job. The first place I found on Craigslist seemed suitable from the description.

Day 1:

There were bad omens immediately. The landlady had stringy dyed-blond hair framing her eyes that were nearly swelled shut with diabetes, and a potbelly pig rooted about in the backyard. She slept in a recliner in the living room. Only after forking over $600 and signing a one-month lease that she scribbled out by hand did she warn me about the other roommates.

One, she said, was a witch, who was casting spells on the house using his Dungeons and Dragons books. The other two were veterans -- she was also advertising on a veteran housing site -- one probably a lesbian, both branded as "Satanists" by this pious widow.

That night, I watched the movie Misery for the first time, of course wearing headphones while keeping the bedroom door locked. But this landlady made Kathy Bates look well-balanced.

Day 2:

On the second day, the landlady was screaming all day at the other three tenants, calling them devil-worshippers and sodomites, and she blasted Christian television as loudly as possible, Paula White's voice shaking the walls. I knew I wasn't getting my $600 back, so I was trying to wait out the month with noise-cancelling headphones while cranking out my project. She didn't think I worshipped Satan yet, but I knew she would soon (because I do). I was keeping my own collection of D&D books hidden under a towel, which I use for idea harvesting, not for actual play.

Day 3:

The landlady almost collapsed a couple times from panic attacks and I had to walk her back to her recliner. When she was not having a panic attack, she was screaming the nonstop at the other tenants through their closed doors and blasting Evangelical TV on max volume. I was working on Warlordocracy all day and blowing weed smoke out the back window and watching the pig with my door locked.

Day 4:

On the fourth day, the toilet broke and the bathroom was flooded. She turned off the water and started shitting in a plastic bag in the backyard with her pig. I had to walk about 1.5 miles to the gas station every time I needed to shit, still desperately clinging to my humanity.

Day 5:

She would also talk on the phone to various lucky bachelors in Florida, where she said she would drive with her pig soon (she never would have made it in her psychosis). These phone conversations would fluctuate between her talking about how she was scared of Mexicans, how California was going to hell, and how he sounded like such a nice gentleman, then a mental flip would switch and she would scream at him and call him a son of a bitch and hang up. The Christian television would turn back on at full volume.

Day 7-ish:

About a week in, I was walking back from the gas station bathroom and got a call from the landlady. She told me she was out and that I should also stay away from the house for a couple hours. I continued on my way, and when I arrived, a social worker was talking to the other tenants -- one of the veterans had called in elder abuse. I explained my experience to the social worker, about how she was terrified of demons and witches, how she still trusted me but it was only a matter of time.

Apparently she had been taking care of a senior who had died (maybe her husband), and she just kept living in the house. Obviously I never got that $600 back, but my ex let me live at one of her other properties the rest of that month for free, which in hindsight I should have just asked to do in the first place.

Religion and Schizophrenia:

Without the Bible, this Dollar Store Anne Wilkes would still be schizophrenic, but she might not have believed that demons were constantly trying to drag her down into eternal damnation.

She would scream at her tenants during her fits, "I'm not going to hell!" That sentence dominated what little of her life I saw. At one point in her life, she probably sent money to one of those televangelists she was blasting at max volume to torture her tenants. Televangelists and megachurches prey on people with mental disorders, and they make millions from doing it.

History of Evangelical Broadcasting:

In the 1940s, Christian radio broadcasters went on the offensive against the newly-emerging radio Evangelicals, attempting to restrict their airtime. In 1943, the Federal Council of Churches supported regulations that would ban all Evangelical radio shows. In response, Evangelicals created the National Religious Broadcasting group, which fought to remove the new bans on paid radio broadcasts.

The first king of religious broadcasting on American TV was Catholic Bishop Fulton J. Sheen, PhD, hosting a show called Life is Worth Living. He was featured on the 1952 Time magazine cover. One episode was called "How to Think", about inductive/deductive reasoning, data collection, etc. He teaches about statistics in this episode: "Whenever you hear a statistic, always ask these questions: 1) How many possible cases are there? [...] 2) How many were tested? 3) Can you believe what they told you? 4) If it comes from an independent lab, who pays for the experiment?" He then goes on to criticize cigarette studies funded by tobacco companies. Bishop Sheen was educated in Europe and spoke six languages.

Bishop Sheen's Evangelical competitor was Oral Roberts, who held no degree and started out as a travelling faith healer. He claimed he could raise the dead. He spoke only English and gibberish tongues with most syllables beginning in a /sh/ sound. Speaking in tongues is probably a phenomenon that springs from Evangelicals' envy of Catholic polylingualism.

Evangelicalism is at the forefront of the anti-science movement in the United States. Mormons are equally as crazy, but they have far less influence. My high school history teacher was Mormon, but he never blabbed about Jesus flying/teleporting to Missouri, just bullshit about how the Vietnam War was justified and how Hitler was one of the greatest public speakers (he wasn't). Mitt Romney's family had to flee the U.S. so they could set up a polygamous compound in Mexico -- Mormons generally keep their insanity to themselves, is the point.

Evangelicalism, on the other hand, sticks its tentacles deep into our education system, political process, and of course the media. Oh God, the media...

Legacy of Evangelicalism:

Evangelicals insist on a 100% literal interpretation of the ancient book of Jewish fairytales, and they believe everyone must be born again at some point in their life, just as Jesus was. They've been denying and vehemently attacking science at every facet of society since the church started: climate, evolution, carbon dating, and the existence of gay people to name a few.

Based solely on genealogical records in the Bible, Evangelicals believe the world is only 6,000 or 7,000 years old, including Mike Johnson, currently third in line to be President of the United States.

I'm not about the do the math or try to make sense of it, but supposedly Adam lived nearly 1,000 years. This guy tries to explain why using religious logic, which I didn't read (too long):
https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/why-did-the-first-humans-live-for-so-long

Evangelicals are twice as likely to think that science and religion are incompatible, and that religion is the correct choice, according to one of their own websites (https://www.nae.org/evangelicals-anti-science). I've heard Evangelical friends tell me that all dinosaur fossils were buried in the ground by Satan to corrupt people's faith, and I've heard other people say that dinosaurs were actually dragons, which the Bible mentions briefly.

And then there is Dinosaur Adventure Land, the creationist theme park that teaches kids that humans and dinosaurs had a Flintstones-style work relationship. Jeb Bush passed a Florida law that exempted religious theme parks from paying taxes, but they have still been indicted with 58 federal charges, including tax evasion, according to a 2006 Washington Post article. They have since moved from Florida to Alabama, and you can check out their website here: https://www.drdino.com/

Evangelicalism was brought to political prominence by Jimmy Carter in 1977. Although Carter was the least despicable U.S. president since maybe JFK, having ordered no military strikes whatsoever, he brought with him a brain worm that would go on to infect the entire American political arena. In 2003, that same brain worm would tell George W. Bush to "end tyranny" in Iraq by murdering half a million civilians.

In 1982, Irving Pulling killed himself by gunshot to the chest when he was 17 years old. His mother, Patricia Pulling, believed he was literally cursed from the Dungeons and Dragons game he was playing -- not just influenced by it, but magically cursed. Her lawsuits were dismissed, possibly due to their fantastic nature, so she founded Bothered About Dungeons and Dragons (BADD).

Pulling described D&D as "a fantasy role-playing game which uses demonology, witchcraft, voodoo, murder, rape, blasphemy, suicide, assassination, insanity, sex perversion, homosexuality, prostitution, satanic type rituals, gambling, barbarism, cannibalism, sadism, desecration, demon summoning, necromantics, divination and other teachings" (Wikipedia). This helped boost sales, according to Gary Gygax, creator of D&D.

60 Minutes on D&D (1985)

The Satanic Panic started in the 1970s and still carries on strong today, the majority of the work being done by the Evangelical religion.

The main creator of The Binding of Isaac, Edmund McMillen, said his game was based on his childhood. You play as a child whose mother is brainwashed by Christian television and tries to kill you. There are a plethora of hidden bosses I've never seen in that game after you kill Mom, but apparently the ultimate final boss is a flying entity composed of television static called Dogma.

 

Binding of Isaac Intro

Before we get to the next televangelist, I have to commend the Church of Satan for a successful trolling of Michael Cassidy that got him arrested. They built a statue of Baphomet at the Iowa Capitol building, and Michael Cassidy (who ran for House of Representatives last year) beheaded it and got arrested this month. Lots of conservatives have contributed to his legal fees, including Ron DeSantis (allegedly). We need more statue trolling like this (and more people like George Santos) to siphon money from right-wing zealots.

Now that worms have probably finished with Pat Robertson's eyeballs as he rots in front of the studio HQ at the Christian Broadcasting Network grounds, it is time to once again reflect upon these televangelist con artists, their intriguing grifts, and their continued efforts to spread the Satanic Panic, starting in the 1970s and continuing strong to this day.

Pat Robertson on D&D

Sources:

Economist (March 2021). "What is an Evangelical Christian?" https://www.economist.com/the-economist-explains/2021/03/01/what-is-an-evangelical-christian

QAnon Anonymous Podcast (May 2019). "Televangelists". https://podbay.fm/p/qanon-anonymous/e/1558636166

Washington Post. "Bible Land" (23 Sept 2006). https://www.washingtonpost.com/archive/local/2006/09/23/bibleland-span-classbankheadorlandos-holy-land-experience-and-other-religious-theme-parks-mix-faith-and-entertainment-but-not-without-controversyspan/509d1eaf-4063-49d9-88cf-fdc4d3c111de/

Velie, Elaine. "Iowa Republican Arrested After Beheading Satanic Statue" (19 Dec 2023). https://hyperallergic.com/863005/former-politician-arrested-after-beheading-satanic-temple-baphomet-statue/

Wikipedia. "Patricia Pulling".
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Patricia_Pulling

More Televangelist Scammers

Link to previous article (#1 to #5):
https://blancaster45.blogspot.com/2023/03/insane-televangelist-scandals.html

 

#6) Paula White ($5 million officially)

Trump's Jesus Beard was Paula White, whom he took on as his religious advisor in 2002. She is credited with converting Trump to Christianity, though he was raised Presbyterian and claims to be non-denominational. White helped Trump win the Evangelical vote, saying, "Christians that don't support President Trump will have to answer to God." 85% of white evangelicals voted for Trump in 2020 (pewresearch.org).

In 2011, White became the senior pastor of Without Walls (the irony), the church she founded with her then-husband Randy White. The church had to halt services when the power was cut off due to an outstanding $50,000 electric bill. In 2012, she left and took over as senior pastor at New Destiny Christian Center, stealing some expensive audio equipment to bring with her, according to a claim filed by Without Walls. Two years later, Without Walls filed for bankruptcy.

Although she's only worth $5 million today (embarrassing for an American televangelist), she has the ear of Trump, who will most likely win the 2024 election. Game recognizes game. She bought a $3.5 million condo in Trump Tower, with money from her businesses, she claims, not the church.

Ebony magazine once claimed that White was the most popular pastor on the Black Entertainment Network, and she has ministered for black celebrities such as Michael Jackson, Tyra Banks, and Darryl Strawberry. Serving as Trump's spiritual advisor, she attempted to smooth over his racist remarks about Mexicans being rapists and Haiti being a shit-hole, etc., by having a bunch of black people touch him with their eyes closed on camera, successfully curing his racism.

In 2019 the Associated Press made a report on the treatment of children separated from their families at detainment facilities at the border, saying they were overcrowded, sick, living in filth, and forced to look after each other with no adult supervision. Paula White visited the facility in Clint, TX to prove these claims wrong on June 26 and 28. She reported that while they were a little crowded, everyone showered daily and there was plenty of food and entertainment. This was two days after half the children had been moved out of the Clint facility, according to the Orlando Sentinel -- a well-timed trip.

Another famous televangelist, James Dobson, had different sentiments about the detainment facilities: "They stared out at us with plaintive eyes. I noticed that almost none of them were talking to each other. The children looked traumatized and frightened." One Honduran detainee told the AP of the other children: "They would cry sometimes, alone, or they would hit themselves against the wall.”

Like all televangelists, Paula White teaches prosperity theology, a belief that God rewards the faithful with material wealth -- something Jesus emphasized repeatedly in his teachings. Like other televangelists, she asks for "seeds" in the form of money or other valuable possessions from her followers, which she says will be multiplied and returned to the donors.

Paula White was the head pastor to Trump during his term in the White House, out-ranking over 30 other spiritual advisors, including James Dobson and Jerry Falwell, Jr. (from the previous article). Michael Cohen said of White, "She’s very influential. She has been close to Trump and the family for many years."

White claims herself that she led Trump to Jesus: "Yes, there was an absolute moment that he received Jesus as Lord and Savior. I have led many high-profile people to the Lord."

You did it again, Jesus.


Sources:

Slate. Mathis-Lilley, Ben. "Trump's Favorite Pastor Has Pretend Doctoral Degree and History With Bankruptcy, of Course" (2017). https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2017/05/trump-pastor-paula-white-has-bankruptcy-pretend-doctoral-history.html

Lafferty, Mike. Orlando Sentinel. "Fact or Fake: Megachurch pastor and Trump spiritual adviser Paula White" (2019). https://www.orlandosentinel.com/2019/07/12/fact-or-fake-megachurch-pastor-and-trump-spiritual-adviser-paula-white-says-media-wrong-about-deplorable-conditions-on-the-border/

Sherman, Christopher. "U.S. held record number of migrant children in custody in 2019" (12 Nov. 2019). https://apnews.com/article/us-news-ap-top-news-honduras-trauma-immigration-015702afdb4d4fbf85cf5070cd2c6824

Duin, Julia. Washington Post. "She led Trump to Christ: The rise of the televangelist who advises the White House" (14 Nov 2017). https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/she-led-trump-to-christ-the-rise-of-the-televangelist-who-advises-the-white-house/2017/11/13/1dc3a830-bb1a-11e7-be94-fabb0f1e9ffb_story.html

Wikipedia. "Paula White". https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paula_White


#7) Pat Robertson ($100 million)

On 8 June 2023, the king of American televangelism croaked at age 93 with $100 million. Unlike Paula White, Pat Robertson did graduate college, getting a BA in history and a Master of Divinity (a real thing). He started the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) first on radio, then on cable TV. His followers would go door to door selling cable boxes to spread the good word of prosperity theology, specifically Pat Robertson's prosperity.

Pat Robertson praised Jimmy Carter for overseeing the Camp David Accords in 1979, a peace treaty between Israel and Egypt that forgot to include Palestine in negotiations. In a 1980 video, Pat twice claimed that the blowback would lead to Armageddon in 1982, then kept quiet when the date passed.

Edu-tainment

Under the Reagan administration, he helped raise money for the Contra rebels in Nicaragua during what is now referred to as the Iran-Contra Scandal.

Magician James Randi wrote in his book Faith Healers that "in 1986, soon after the full importance of the AIDS epidemic began to become evident, Robertson was attempting to cure it by proclaiming people cured after prayer."

He ran for President in 1988 on the platform of banning pornography, reforming education, eliminating the Department of Education and Department of Energy, and gutting social programs. He came in third place in the Republican Primaries after H.W. Bush and Bob Dole.

In 1991, he wrote a book called The New World Order, which blames the Rothschilds and Illuminati for operating a global conspiracy. Most of the content was taken from the antisemitic conspiracy book, the Protocols of the Elders of Zion. It became a New York Times best-seller. "The New World Order" was a phrased famously used by his political opponent, George H.W. Bush, the same year. After 9/11 in 2001, Pat claimed that homosexuality, atheists, abortions, pagans, and the ACLU caused the attack.

Pat made deals with African dictators over blood diamonds and gold, including Mobutu Sese Seko of Zaire and Charles Taylor of Liberia. When George W. Bush accused Charles Taylor of crimes against humanity and offered a $2 million reward for his capture, Pat defended Taylor, saying that Bush was trying to replace Christian dictators with Muslim rebels. Taylor would be the first to be charged with war crimes since the Nazis. Pat had previously campaigned for W. during the election, but now the cowboy had fucked with Pat's bread and butter and blood diamonds. Islamophobia was a more acceptable rationalization.

That is not to say Pat Robertson didn't genuinely hate Islam. He said Islam was a form of Satanism and was founded by demons. He's said similar things about almost every religion besides Evangelicalism. He condemned the Church of Scotland for turning their country into a "dark land overrun by homosexuals" (BBC). In 2015, Pat compared Buddhism to a disease, launching a campaign to remove meditation from schools.

He wrongly predicted numerous massive disasters, including tsunamis, terrorist attacks, wars, and an asteroid strike. When they failed to happen, he would pat himself on the back and say it was because of the prayers he encouraged.

After the 2010 earthquake in Haiti, Pat said that they had made a pact with the devil during their revolution against France.

In 2017, Pat fell off a horse. In 2018, he had a stroke. Ten days later, he resumed hosting his show at age 88. He finally died on 8 June 2023, peacefully in his home at age 93. His millions of followers put the 12 apostles of Jesus to shame.

Pat Robertson's channel Freeform, a subsidiary of ABC Family that made a promise to always play Pat's show into eternity, is now owned by Disney and played on Youtube, Hulu, DirecTV, and more. They are honoring the promise still, making the grinning face of Pat Robertson immortal. It will probably be spewing genocidal creationist nonsense long after we are dead, and there's nothing we can do about it except not watch.


Sources:

BBC. "Bank drops evangelist" (5 June 1999). http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/business/361736.stm

Wikipedia. "Pat Robertson Controversies". https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pat_Robertson_controversies

QAnon Anonymous Podcast (May 2019). "Televangelists". https://podbay.fm/p/qanon-anonymous/e/1558636166