Top 100 Novels
By Brian J. Lancaster (January 2023)
Website: www.laughingcoyote.net
Note: I'm sure you can find a lot of these novels for free online, as well as the audiobooks on Youtube.
Tier 1 (1 to 25)
They should teach these in school.
Illuminatus! (Robert Anton Wilson and Robert Shea, 1984): It has a talking dolphin, a submarine pirate captain, a detective named Saul Goodman, the cosa nostra who barter for golden artifacts from Atlantis, a handful of Nazis, and obviously the Bavarian Illuminati! The funniest book ever written that will also teach you how to immanentize the eschaton.
Maximum Bob (Elmore Leonard, 1991): Elmore Leonard is the greatest crime fiction writer, and this is him at his finest. It's about an asshole Florida judge who gives everybody the maximum sentence for everything so he can be a local celebrity. Then an unfortunate social worker lady has to try to protect him from a bunch of rednecks who want him dead. Also, there are alligators involved.
The Switch (Elmore Leonard, 1978): The prequel to Rum Punch, the book that Jackie Brown was based on. This was before Robert de Niro's character in the movie went to prison for robbing a bank back in the 1970s. Sammy Jackson's character Ordell "Whitebread" Robbie is a black guy who sells guns to white power neo-Nazis, and later they come up with a kidnapping plan.
Rum Punch (Elmore Leonard, 1992): The movie that Jackie Brown is based on, Robert de Niro's character finally gets out of jail. In the book, Jackie Burke is the main character, who is a white blonde surfer chick who's getting older, and Ordell (Sammy Jackson) has a fetish for white blonde surfer chicks, so he's got a new girl Melanie, and Jackie Burke takes vengeance.
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Series (Douglas Adams, 1979-1992): This 5-part "trilogy" (Adams's term) is all one book, people. Or at least just buy it as one book and make it easier for yourself. Douglas Adams also worked on the interactive fiction computer game of the same name, which is considered one of the hardest adventure games ever made. He also worked on a game called Bureaucracy, where the goal of the game is to go to the bank to change your billing address.
Sailor Song (Ken Kesey, 1992): Ken Kesey's greatest, better than Cuckoo's Nest. It's a post-apocalyptic climate disaster adventure written in 1992 and set in the 2020s about an Alaskan town beset upon by some dick documentary filmmakers from California.
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (Ken Kesey, 1962): Best native American character written by a white guy ever. The Fog is some creepy shit. Also the Chief's inner-monologue about the waterfall is amazing.
Reamde (Neal Stephenson, 2011): Neal Stephenson at his best. The Russian mafia is using an MMORPG as a way to launder money, a little Chinese kid makes a computer virus, a programmer gets kidnapped. Probably the main reason I liked it is because of the massive shoot-out on the wealthy Gulangdang Island near Xiamen, where I went on vacation one time.
Snow Crash (Neal Stephenson, 1992): Lots of inspiration for Brigand: Oaxaca came from this Neal Stephenson novel. The main bad guy is branded with a criminal tattoo on his forehead that just says, "Poor Impulse Control." 1992 was a good year for novels.
A Scanner Darkly (Philip K. Dick, 1977): The cell-shaded movie with Keanu Reeves was pretty damn good, but nothing is more beautifully depressing than reading a Philip K. Dick novel (except maybe Vonnegut).
Nation (Terry Pratchett, 2008): The only non-Discworld novel I've read written entirely by Terry Pratchett, and it's amazing despite the fact I think it's meant to be a kid's book. It's about a tsunami on an island that kills everyone except a native kid and a white British girl who got shipwrecked. Then pirates, etc.
Small Gods (Terry Pratchett, 1992): The first Discworld novel I ever read, and also my favorite. A god is turned into a tortoise and only one monk guy can understand him. Also, the world is a flat disc on the back of a massive turtle on its way through the cosmos to reproduce, and the religions of the book torture anyone who says the world isn't round.
I Am Legend (Richard Matheson, 1957): Do not watch the movie. Somehow the novel attempts to explain all the vampire myths with science and logic. The virus is a bacteria that can't be exposed to the atmosphere, so you have to use a wooden stake to aerate the blood. The infected are afraid of mirrors and crosses because they remind them of who they once were. Also, he really is the last man on earth, unlike the shit Will Smith movie.
The Black Company Series (Glen Cook, 1984-Present): Hardcore dark fantasy series that serves as inspiration for my upcoming Steam game, Warlordocracy. The first 8 are worthy of reading, but many would say only the first 3, called "The Books of the North". He's still writing them. The first time the Limper gets resurrected I was a little disappointed because I don't like characters getting resurrected, but about the fourth or fifth time he dies horribly, it gets comical.
Hyperion (Dan Simmons, 1989): A combination of short stories by Dan Simmons that he later linked together. If you want your husk of a soul to finally remember what real emotions look like, you only have to read the "Remembering Siri" story/chapter. Like with Clive Barker, I kind of just skip over the weird sex stuff.
Starship Troopers (Robert Heinlein, 1959): The basis for a hilarious movie, it's a great book about off-world colonization, and it probably helped inspire Frank Herbert's Dune series. I have plans for a game primarily inspired by this novel, also. It's Robert Heinlein's masterpiece.
The Hellbound Heart (Clive Barker, 1986): Clive Barker's book that is the source for Hellraiser. From what I remember, the Lament Configuration Box makes people experience pain as pleasure or something.
Free Youtube Audiobook: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=juHv3ZWUwBY
The Postman (David Brin, 1985): The movie with Kevin Costner only covered the first third of this epic post-apocalyptic story. The novel is divided into three books, each separated by a few years or a decade or so, but all about fighting these raider people who worship this book by someone clearly based on Ayn Rand.
2001: A Space Odyssey (Arthur C. Clarke, 1968): It completely explains everything that the movie didn't explain, and also written by the same person at the same time. It's basically a companion piece.
3001: The Final Odyssey (Arthur C. Clarke, 1997): I skipped over the other two books in the series, but 3001 is a pretty sweet finale.
The Man in the High Castle (Philip K. Dick, 1962): Alternate history about if the Axis had won World War II by Philip K. Dick. The Germans control the U.S. east of the Rocky Mountains, and the Japanese control the western region. It's ultimately about a writer that for some reason the Germans can't touch who writes an alternate history book inside the alternate history book about if the Allies had won. Most of the story takes place in San Francisco.
Don Quixote (Miguel de Cervantes, 1605): The scene where they are burning all the mentally-disabled protagonist's poetry books lest he become a poet made me laugh and cry and cum.
A Clockwork Orange (Anthony Burgess, 1962): Well, well, well, well. Welly, welly, welly, beef wellington. The Ludovico's Technique is probably how former Filipino president Rodrigo Duterte cured himself of homosexuality as he stated in a speech one time.
Tier 2 (26 to 50)
Get high and read these.
A Canticle for Leibowitz (Walter Miller, 1959): Amazing post-apocalyptic story, where a Catholic monastery rediscovers the light bulb.
Babel-17 (Samuel R. Delany, 1966): A great book about the efficiency of different language, and a sophisticated language called "Babel-17" that allows people to dominate space battles. It reminds me of Mandarin where saying numbers is efficient as fuck, making Chinese people good at math (partially).
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland (Lewis Caroll, 1865): The sequel is better, but read the first one first.
Through the Looking Glass, and What Alice Found There (Lewis Caroll, 1871): Much darker than Wonderland. It's winter instead of summer, and Alice is grounded in the room. She holds books up the mirror and sees that the text is backwards. Then crawls through thinking the world would be backwards, but of course it's not, because her eyes are also flipped or something. Obviously the story goes on.
The Door Into Summer (Robert Heinlein, 1956): Another great Robert Heinlein book, it's about a drunk guy whose girlfriend dumps him, so he goes to a cryogenics place to get frozen and wake up when his ex gets old so he can rub it in her face and collect on his financial investments. He insists on being frozen with his cat, but the doctor tells him to go home, sober up, and think about it. No further spoilers.
Radio Free Albemuth (Philip K. Dick, 1985): More great schizo PKD.
We Can Remember it For You, Wholesale (Philip K. Dick, 1966): The PKD story that was the basis for Total Recall with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
The Hunted (Elmore Leonard, 1977): An Elmore Leonard book where a guy is laying low from the mafia in Israel and gets semi-famous by accident.
Killshot (Elmore Leonard, 1989): More great Elmore Leonard crime. There is also a great movie of the same title where Mickey Rourke plays a native American hitman for the Toronto mafia.
Galapagos (Kurt Vonnegut, 1985): My favorite Kurt Vonnegut novel, about a virus that wipes out all of humanity except a group of tourists who crashed at the Galapagos Islands.
Slaughter House Five (Kurt Vonnegut, 1969): More great Vonnegut, this one about time, aliens, and WWII.
Neuromancer (William Gibson, 1984): William Gibson's flagship novel, possibly coining the phrase "cyberpunk" and (unfortunately) spawning about 90% of sci-fi anime. I hate anime.
Pattern Recognition (William Gibson, 2003): Another great William Gibson novel. This one is about a chick who has panic attacks when she sees ad logos that she doesn't like (such as the Michelin Man). Corporations hire her to approve of new logos, etc.
Call of Cthulhu (H.P. Lovecraft, 1928): I know it's a short story, but fuck it, just add the other short stories of the Cthulhu mythos like "At the Mountains of Madness", "Dagon", etc. and call it a full novel.
The Reanimator (H.P. Lovecraft, 1922): Have to include more H.P. Lovecraft that's not part of the Cthulhu mythos. Again, it's a short story, but oh well.
Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (Douglas Adams, 1987): Some good Douglas Adams about time travel, music, and computer programming.
The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul (Douglas Adams, 1988): The sequel to Dirk Gently about Norse mythology.
Zodiac (Neal Stephenson, 1988): A short eco-thriller novel by Neal Stephenson about an eco-terrorist riding around on a tiny zodiac raft committing eco-terrorism in Boston Harbor. There is eventually a microbe genetically engineered to eat pollution that threatens to eliminate all sea-life.
Diamond Age (Neal Stephenson, 1985): Neal Stephenson discussing the issues of a society that has the technology to replicate any object like a super Star Trek 3D-printer and the class implications of that.
Djibouti (Elmore Leonard, 2010): More Elmore Leonard, with a closeted gay Muslim terrorist guy as the main antagonist. Leonard's last real novel, and one of his best of 48. He wrote 48 fucking novels, beating Terry Pratchett's 41.
The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (J.R.R. Tolkien, 1955): Tolkien insisted this book had nothing to do with his experience in WWI, but it was probably partly based on his experience in WWI. Also, listen to the Ringheads podcast with Bill Corbett from Mystery Science Theater and Rifftrax: https://podbay.fm/p/ringheads
The Beast that Shouted Love at the Heart of the World (Harlan Ellison, 1969): Honestly, I've only read "A Boy And His Dog", which is only one story in this post-apocalyptic book that inspired the original Fallout as well as other things. As soon as I find a copy, I will read the rest of the stories. "A Boy And His Dog" is also a pretty good movie.
Ringworld (Larry Niven, 1970): Larry Niven's masterpiece about a Dison Ring megastructure surrounding a sun. Lots of interesting technology. Respect the "hindmost".
One Thousand and One Nights (Multiple Authors, 1704): At one point a guy gets cursed and changed into a gorilla and he has to wander around the desert looking for water. There are some parts you have to skim over when the book describes feasts in painful detail for 10 pages.
The City and the Stars (Arthur C. Clarke, 1956): Arthur C. Clarke's best novel, and one of the few novels that has absolutely no violence but somehow manages to be entertaining.
Tier 3 (51 to 75)
More good reads.
God Knows (Joseph Heller, 1984): More Heller, this time about King David trying to bang a bunch of chicks like Bathsheba while taking revenge on his adopted father Saul, his son Solomon, and God himself, because fuck God. Also, lots of severed Philistine foreskins for good measure.
Picture This (Joseph Heller, 1988): Another Joseph Heller novel about Rembrandt painting a portrait of Aristotle, constantly changing his facial expression depending on his mood.
Gone Whalin' (Connor Lastowka, 2013): Connor Lastowka personally gave me permission to rip off a joke for my game like a champ. I've never read Moby Dick, but I believe this is just about as long, so now I feel like I've read Moby Dick. For the opposite of this article, check out Connor's podcast, 372 Pages We'll Never Get Back: 372pages.com.
Mr. Paradise (Elmore Leonard, 2004): More Elmore Leonard. Again, not a murder mystery, because the reader knows who the bad guy is from the first couple chapters, and you're just waiting for the cops to figure it out before they get capped. Classic non-mystery crime thriller.
Mister B. Gone (Clive Barker, 2001): Clive Barker doing a comedy that breaks the third wall at every corner. Usually I don't go for that, but he does a good job. Again, ignore all the gay monster sex unless that's your thing.
Good Omens (Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman, 1990): Terry Pratchett writing with Neil Gaiman about the anti-Christ. There was a TV show which was decent.
Roadside Picnic (Arkady Strugatsky, 1972): Very rarely is a Russian novel only 200 pages, but this was the inspiration for the STALKER games, and very intense. Instead of some stupid Chernobyl disaster, the "zone" was caused by alien blasts hitting the earth and causing strange physical anomalies.
Metro 2033 (Dmitry Glukhovsky, 2002): A little too much deus ex machina (literary term) for me, meaning the main character always gets saved at the last minute without doing anything for himself. Nonetheless, highly entertaining. The computer game was good, but not as good as STALKER.
Lord of the Flies (William Golding, 1954): One of the few great books they made us read in high school. It taught be to always listen to the flies that buzz around severed pig heads on a spear.
A Song of Ice and Fire Series (George R.R. Martin, 1996-???): George R.R. Martin will probably never finish the series due to his crippling prostitute addiction, so I'm including all of them here as one novel. It's pretty solid, and also it never got to Jon Snow being resurrected, which was the worst part and downfall of the HBO show.
Footfall (Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle, 1985): Great alien invasion novel, probably the main inspiration for the Independence Day movie but much better (of course). Another example of how Will Smith fucks up sci-fi stories.
The Yellow Wallpaper (Charlotte Perkins Gilman, 1892): I know this is a short story, but I am legally required to include at least two female authors on this list. This is a legitimately terrifying story.
Starship Titanic (Douglas Adams, 1997): More Douglas Adams, along with an interactive fiction game (text adventure) that that wily British guy helped write -- like the Hitch-hiker's Guide text adventure.
Make Love, the Bruce Campbell Way (Bruce Campbell, 2005): Completely true story of Bruce Campbell's Hollywood career.
Based on a True Story: A Memoir (Norm MacDonald, 2016): Also a completely true story based on nonfictional memoirs.
Jurassic Park (Michael Crichton, 1990): (SPOILERS) The lawyer does not die, but rather redeems himself. John Hammond dies and Ian Malcolm dies, both in great ways.
Frankenstein (Mary Shelly, 1818): Basically the plot of Jurassic Park but they make you read it in high school. Marry Shelly is also credited with started modern sci-fi. It starts with the monster escaping to the North Pole on a dog sled while being persued by an icebreaker ship. They made a movie of it with Robert de Niro but it was merely decent.
Counter-Clock World (Philip K. Dick, 1967): Philip K. Dick doesn't really make much sense in this one, but the finale is a long philosophical debate that's more interesting than any action scene.
Dr. Bloodmoney (Philip K. Dick, 1965): Some good post-apocalyptic PKD.
Deus Irae (Philip K. Dick and Roger Zelazny, 1980): Just a weird post-apocalyptic novel by PKD and Roger Zelazny.
The Martian Chronicles (Ray Bradbury, 1950): More like a collection of short stories by Ray Bradbury, but they are all related, so I consider it a novel.
Closing Time (Joseph Heller, 1998): The sequel to Catch-22 by Joseph Heller. The priest from WWII starts pissing heavy water from radiation so the government kidnaps him and puts him on a looping underground train for producing heavy water without a license.
Good As Gold (Joseph Heller, 1992): More good Joseph Heller and pro-divorce.
Last Chance to See (Douglas Adams, 1990): Douglas Adams going around the world and observing endangered species. It's nonfiction, but creative and funny enough that it goes on the list.
Tier 4 (76 to 100)
I officially ran out of real novels at the end, so I included some nonfiction, epic poems, and plays. It's better than including novels that I just don't like.
Fup (Jim Dodge, 1983): A novel written by my old creative writing college professor, about a duck and a guy who drinks moonshine that makes him immortal.
The Colour Out of Space (H.P. Lovecraft, 1927): H.P. Lovecraft insisted on the British spelling despite being born in New England, but I think I can move beyond that with Nick Cage's correction. This would be higher on the list, but it's way too short.
Alien Movie Novelizations (Alan Dean Foster, 1979-1991): The audiobooks are free on Youtube. The 2nd one expanded on the conversation with Ripley and the little girl and it was amazing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3YLzjWQpYms
The Colour of Magic (Terry Pratchett, 1983): The first Discworld novel by Terry Pratchett, so it must be included.
Guards! Guards! (Terry Pratchett, 1989): Another great Terry Pratchett Discworld novel.
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man (James Joyce, 1916): The only James Joyce book I've read (because they made me read it in college). Eventually I'm gonna get around to Ulysses and I'm sure that would replace this title on the list. Also, lots of my favorite creative writers have cited James Joyce as their favorite writer.
The Pearl (John Steinbeck, 1947): Another good book they made us read in high school. Come to think of it, high school English class had more good novels than college English class.
Swag (Elmore Leonard, 1976): More classic Elmore Leonard crime involving casinos.
The Books of Blood (Clive Barker, 1985): It's not a novel, just a collection of really fucked up short stories by Clive Barker. Again, I tend to skim over the gay monster sex scenes.
The Hobbit (J.R.R. Tolkien, 1937): One of the first books I ever read, so it has to be included.
A Fall of Moondust (Arthur C. Clarke, 1961): Hard science fiction by Arthur C. Clarke.
Brave New World (Aldous Huxley, 1932): Probably the best sci-fi I was forced to read in high school. It introduced me to soma, which I now do every day.
1984 (George Orwell, 1949): The second best sci-fi I was forced to read in high school. It's a nightmare future other than the fact that sex is illegal, which I agree with. Sex is disgusting.
Cryptonomicon (Neal Stephenson, 1999): Similar to Reamde, also by Neal Stephenson, but not quite as good. It goes back and forth in time from the present day to World War II, where they are searching for buried Japanese gold.
Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep (Philip K. Dick, 1968): The basis for the movie Blade Runner, which is in my top 5 movies and one of the few movies that is better than the book (along with Jackie Brown). The book, however, is also solid. Almost all animals are extinct, so people buy simulant animals to remind them of the good times, and everyone wants to get off the planet but you have to pass a physique and intelligence test. Great depressing stuff.
Geothe's Faust (Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, 1808): It's a play, not a novel, but I have officially run out of novels for the list. If the list was called "Top 100 Works of Fiction" then this would be Tier 1.
MacBeth (Shakespeare, 1623): Again, it's a play and not a novel, but fuck it. More plays, epic poems, and nonfiction to follow.
Julius Ceasar (Shakespeare, 1599): More Shakespeare.
The Tempest (Shakespeare, 1611): Shakespeare's last play that he wrote alone, I think?
A Mid-Summer Night's Dream (Shakespeare, 1596): Yeah, more Shakespeare. But drinking wine in the redwoods watching Shakespeare in the Park is amazing.
Homer's Odyssey (Homer, 500–480 BC): Epic Poetry, novels, aren't we just splitting hairs here? The lines are just little mini-paragraphs.
Cream:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2CCfxiQ5QY
Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail '72 (Hunter S. Thompson, 1973): This one is serious nonfiction, unlike Las Vegas, which wasn't really good enough to be on the list. I put this one on instead. He basically just gets drunk and follows around the Nixon and McGovern campaigns, but I lost the book in Guangzhou while drunk at a dim sum place somewhere after getting through about 80% of it.
Billions and Billions (Carl Sagan, 1997): Carl Sagan was the man. Obviously nonfiction, not a novel.
Dante's Inferno (Dante Alighieri, 1314): The main sign of the beginning of the Enlightenment and the downfall of the Church. Must be on the list despite not being a novel.
Huckleberry Fin (Mark Twain, 1884): Another good book we all had to read in high school. There was a lot of dumb controversy about replacing the N-word with "slave" because lots of American parents are brainwashed troglodytes.
* * *
Footnote: Yossarian finally learns the true meaning of "Catch-22" at the end of the novel: Anyone has the power to do anything they want to you if you don't have the power to stop them. True enough.
Footnote 2: The Da Vinci Code was probably one of the worst books ever written, one thing these finooks are right about.
Ah shit, I forgot about Jorge Luis Borges from Argentina, but he never really did a full novel anyway.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I wanted to include Virginia Woolf just to have a 3rd writer on the list who has a vagina, but I've only read Mrs. Dalloway thus far, and it ain't top 100 material. I'm sure her other shit would be here if I had read it.
ReplyDeleteI see you mentioned Moby-Dick. I hope you give it a try sometime; Melville is excellent. I didn't feel like the book was overly-long, plus the chapters are typically short. I think it might be a great book to pull some ideas from for your games. Do you remember which translation of Don Quixote you read? Anyways, looking forward to Warlordocracy.
ReplyDeleteJohn Rutherford, but I don't think I actually finished it.
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